I get up in the morning, and I have a routine. First, I don't want to get up. But then eventually the body reconciles with the mind and agrees to play it along. There are moments though when the body takes over. Moments not necessarily of weakness, but about needs that could lead to instant happiness. Like letting yourself oversleep, or eating a handful of chocolates after a Subway meal. My favorite is making out with someone you know you shouldn't be fooling around with, or at a time when you know you shouldn't be fooling around, with anyone.
Physical needs are supposed to be simple, and many of them are. I easily allow myself to oversleep and get late for meetings. I get over eating a whole box of Pringles over a 2 hour movie rather quickly. But, as I am becoming more capable of being able to make things simpler for me, there are still some needs, physical or otherwise, that I cannot help but complicate further. I've somehow managed to mix my more tangible physical needs with my emotional ones; I just [again] did it in the previous sentence. I wasn't always like this. I'm like this now may be because things happened for me in the wrong order, or so I'd like to think.
Before I could discover and subsequently satisfy my physical needs, I was in the middle of an emotional mess. It was like being under water, where you think you're in a different world, but you're actually just in a different habitat, alien to you. I didn't belong there. Later when I realised that that wasn't love, and I learnt it the hard way, I ate the apple. And I think I took a big bite because it choked my emotions for several years. I didn't fall in love again until I did, and this time it happened the right way; it felt right.
She was beautiful; an artist, her art is life. But, our individual lives, after three years of meeting, have taken separate courses. She's still very beautiful, but we now live in spearate worlds. She, in a world that most people live in, the one God created for us. Me, in a world that she and I lived in, the one she and I created for us.
So after I've gotten up in the morning and got ready for work, I get out of the house and begin a new day. Each day thinking exactly that - that this is going to be a new day. But, life doesn't change for me. Not now when I want it to. But, may be, there will be a day when I will wake up to realise that life changed for me everyday, only I didn't. May be there'll be a day when I'll know what I'm feeling right now wasn't really a crisis due to not having someone in my life, but simply a case of resisting change; a day when I wouldn't have to separate my physical needs from my emotional ones.
May be I already know that I cannot survive alone.
-T
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